Every day seems like a struggle at the moment.
To wake up. To get out of bed. To get dressed and feed the animals. To leave the house. To leave the driveway. To get on the train. To stay on the train. To walk to work. To be at work. To do my work. To leave work. To get on the train. To stay on the train. To go home. To feel content at home.
If it wasn’t for the love of my dogs, I’m not sure how I would be coping right now. I have family and friends and support networks. I have a psychologist. I have a doctor. I have a home and a job and transport. I have a soulmate. If my life were a ‘cup’ it would really be quite full.
And yet I feel so fucking empty.
I feel so full inside that I might explode, but I still feel hollow. It’s a contradiction, I know.
But what of this world in which we live? What effect should it have on a conscious and caring human being? What effect on an empath, on a person driven by logic, science AND by love? On a person for who solidarity is central to their own identity, a person who wears their heart and their values on their face for every person to see?
What effect should it have on me?
Because I’m waking up nearly every morning feeling depressed. I’m not really coping with all of the extra stress. I’m not really dealing with the fact that we are already in the midst of an existential catastrophe and yet half the world still wants to argue with me over the price of our humanity…
It fucks with me.
I’m sick of all the conflict, every single day. Not just the conflict in which I take part – though I am sick of so much of that too. But mostly it is the conflict all around me. The constant fight over what drives our society, and who profits from our economy. Because it sure ain’t people like me.
I’ve worked hard my whole life, as have my whole family, and nearly every person within a degree of separation from me. Yet we are all in debt. And yet, as we face down an impending pandemic (COVID 19), even in the worlds most advanced economies most of us are still worried about our lack of sick leave.
I don’t even have enough leave to take off yesterday, or the day before. And yet I had to, because this world has got me waking up nearly every morning feeling depressed. It’s got me angry and sad and frustrated and feeling pretty close to giving up on a regular basis.
So I took two unpaid leave days, but not for anything fun. I used that time to speak with a doctor, find a new psychiatrist and have my first session.
It’s never easy that first session with a new psych. You have to relive your own traumas and reveal your fears all over again, and if you are like me then there is quite a lot of them. And it’s the first time you’ve ever even met the person. You can see the judgement in their eyes even as you can see their professional training strain against it.
You can feel the anxiety and wonder ‘what does she think of me’.
Honestly I don’t even know if I want to know the answer. What I really want though is some answers, and some solutions to our problems.
Yesterday I had to spill out my life story in a 45 minute conversation with a stranger, and I had to pay for the privilege. I walked away feeling drained and depleted. I can’t even get back in to see her for another 3 weeks, and I got nothing new to help me yesterday. Not this time anyway.
I need a break. I need some time off to recuperate. But more than that I really need to see some change.
We can not keep on kicking the can of climate change down the road. We can not keep burning fossil fuels. We can not keep allowing inequality to rise. We can not keep letting political leaders get away with telling us bold-faced lies. We can not keep locking up refugees, people with a disabilities, mental illness, different politics, or who simply fell into poverty.
We as a civilisation can not just keep on living like this, or at least I can’t anyway.
So I hope you’ll join me in making sure we have change, because I really, really, really want to stay.