I am sad about how much loss I have already accepted
when most of you haven’t even thought about it
day by day future drifting further away
our safe space not so safe anymore
a little blue dot that contains us all
every single last one of us
every grain of rice ever grown
every breath ever taken
every heart break
every kiss
every smile
every tear
every sad face
every scream into the abyss
our civilisation
our history
our shared failures
our collective triumphs
our hope
our memory of the past
our ancestors
our parents
our children
our future
this little blue dot contains us all
our safe space
not so safe anymore
every single day drifting further away
most of you don’t give it a thought at all
but I’m at a loss from how much I’ve already accepted
and I’m sad about it all
Category: Personal
The struggle
Every day seems like a struggle at the moment.
To wake up. To get out of bed. To get dressed and feed the animals. To leave the house. To leave the driveway. To get on the train. To stay on the train. To walk to work. To be at work. To do my work. To leave work. To get on the train. To stay on the train. To go home. To feel content at home.
If it wasn’t for the love of my dogs, I’m not sure how I would be coping right now. I have family and friends and support networks. I have a psychologist. I have a doctor. I have a home and a job and transport. I have a soulmate. If my life were a ‘cup’ it would really be quite full.
And yet I feel so fucking empty.
I feel so full inside that I might explode, but I still feel hollow. It’s a contradiction, I know.
But what of this world in which we live? What effect should it have on a conscious and caring human being? What effect on an empath, on a person driven by logic, science AND by love? On a person for who solidarity is central to their own identity, a person who wears their heart and their values on their face for every person to see?
What effect should it have on me?
Because I’m waking up nearly every morning feeling depressed. I’m not really coping with all of the extra stress. I’m not really dealing with the fact that we are already in the midst of an existential catastrophe and yet half the world still wants to argue with me over the price of our humanity…
It fucks with me.
I’m sick of all the conflict, every single day. Not just the conflict in which I take part – though I am sick of so much of that too. But mostly it is the conflict all around me. The constant fight over what drives our society, and who profits from our economy. Because it sure ain’t people like me.
I’ve worked hard my whole life, as have my whole family, and nearly every person within a degree of separation from me. Yet we are all in debt. And yet, as we face down an impending pandemic (COVID 19), even in the worlds most advanced economies most of us are still worried about our lack of sick leave.
Me included.
I don’t even have enough leave to take off yesterday, or the day before. And yet I had to, because this world has got me waking up nearly every morning feeling depressed. It’s got me angry and sad and frustrated and feeling pretty close to giving up on a regular basis.
So I took two unpaid leave days, but not for anything fun. I used that time to speak with a doctor, find a new psychiatrist and have my first session.
It’s never easy that first session with a new psych. You have to relive your own traumas and reveal your fears all over again, and if you are like me then there is quite a lot of them. And it’s the first time you’ve ever even met the person. You can see the judgement in their eyes even as you can see their professional training strain against it.
You can feel the anxiety and wonder ‘what does she think of me’.
Honestly I don’t even know if I want to know the answer. What I really want though is some answers, and some solutions to our problems.
Yesterday I had to spill out my life story in a 45 minute conversation with a stranger, and I had to pay for the privilege. I walked away feeling drained and depleted. I can’t even get back in to see her for another 3 weeks, and I got nothing new to help me yesterday. Not this time anyway.
I need a break. I need some time off to recuperate. But more than that I really need to see some change.
We can not keep on kicking the can of climate change down the road. We can not keep burning fossil fuels. We can not keep allowing inequality to rise. We can not keep letting political leaders get away with telling us bold-faced lies. We can not keep locking up refugees, people with a disabilities, mental illness, different politics, or who simply fell into poverty.
We as a civilisation can not just keep on living like this, or at least I can’t anyway.
So I hope you’ll join me in making sure we have change, because I really, really, really want to stay.
What is sexism… And can men experience it?
According to Wikipedia sexism is:
“Sexism or gender discrimination is prejudice or discrimination based on a person’s sex or gender. Sexism can affect either gender, but it is particularly documented as affecting women and girls. It has been linked to stereotypes and gender roles, and may include the belief that one sex or gender is intrinsically superior to another.”
The first line of that definition, taken alone (as it often is) conflates “sexism” and “sex discrimination” as being one and the same thing, but they’re not quite.
In truth “sex discrimination“ is only part of the puzzle required for something to be considered “sexist“.
Sex discrimination is the first line:
“prejudice or discrimination based on a person’s sex or gender.”
So what is sexism?
From my understanding – sexism is the inclusion of the second & third lines:
“it can affect either gender, but it is particularly documented as affecting women and girls. It has been linked to stereotypes and gender roles, and may include the belief that one sex or gender is intrinsically superior to another.”
Of course, being from Wikipedia someone has thrown in a “may” before the very important words “include the belief that one sex or gender is intrinsically superior”…. Who want’s to bet that was done by a man?
The “may” should be removed from this definition, as it is the presence of that superiority/inferiority paradigm which defines whether or not something is sexist.
This is sleight of hand and is also commonly heard in discussions about ‘racism’ too. How many times have you heard someone say:
But isn’t that racist?
I Have – in solidarity with #MeToo
IF I said I have never treated women inappropriately, ignored sexual harassment and/or inappropriate behaviour in workplaces and society more broadly, or taken part in their objectification, I’d be lying.
Any honest man would have to say the same thing.
Unfortunately the society I grew up in raised me to believe that objectifying women was normal, and that cat-calling, butt-slapping and other forms of sexual harassment were acceptable behaviour.
They are not.
It’s really brave, inspiring, and horrifying, all of these women sharing their #MeToo stories about men’s behaviour. So in an act of solidarity, after speaking with friends, I am going to share some #IHave stories.
I hope this honesty is taken in the vein it is intended, as a condemnation of this pattern of behaviour, not a normalisation or acceptance of it:
Campaigning: Most of the time it’s an unpaid and thankless job.
I tell you what. I’ve been working on campaigns since 2003 and while it’s led me to being a much better person, given me a lot of skills and some AMAZING friends and contacts; it’s mostly a fucking thankless job.
Most of the time you are not winning.
Most of the time you are fighting like hell just to hold on to what we’ve got. Sometimes you are losing. Losing lives to suicide. Losing lives to deaths in custody. Losing land to clearing. Losing biodiversity. Losing community. Losing culture. Losing a chance at a safe future free of human-induced climate chaos.
Most of the time you are not getting the thanks you should get.
Most of the time you are getting called names. Most of the time you are getting harassed. Most of the time people just want to argue with you, so they take positions they don’t really hold just to test you. Most of the time you are left seething with rage. Most of the time you are upset. Most of the time others have no idea what is going on in your head.
I’ve been character assassinated.
I’ve had people say I’m a stooge for big business, that I’m only in it for ‘personal glory’, that I only do this work because they think I “want to be Prime Minister”. I’ve lost jobs over it. I’ve quit jobs over it. I’ve lost friends over it. I’ve dumped friends over it. I’ve fought with family. I’ve been ridiculed by friends and family.
I’ve been told I’ll never make a difference.
I’ve been repeatedly told my actions have no impact.
But then we’ve won. We’ve suddenly, out of nowhere had a win. A tactic has worked. A government has caved in. A government has been defeated. A company has given up. People have changed their minds.
After over a full solid year of committing THOUSANDS of hours to lead a solid team of volunteers organising an awesome campaign, I’m fucking exhausted.
I’m not financially better off. In fact I’m out of pocket – from supporting the team financially during emergencies, from working less to commit more volunteering time without losing my own sanity.
But I’ve also never been more proud of myself.
I’ve never done anything in my life that was more important than this.
And the only thanks I really care about, I get all the time – from Clinton himself.
It’s always worth it. But it ain’t ever easy.